Transform this

It’s an age thing.
I’m old. Some days way old.
If I wasn’t I’d probably be all excited about the new Transformers: Dark of The Moon. Maybe not though since it’s barely holding its own in week 3.
It’s just so long and so loud and so muddied.
By the way, in case you missed it, my Transformer name is Kool-A-Tron. Paul is my name when I visit this planet. But I digress.
Our story so far:
Once upon a time in a land far away, there was a cartoon about cars and things that could turn into robots and do robotic things.
Really, all they could do was change, but that was cool and kids loved them. They were from a magical place called network TV which was destroyed by HBO and the Fox network.
The cartoon featured good and bad Transformers and for some reason they liked earth. Half to conquer, half to save.
Yay us.
We have this inflated sense of our role in the cosmos, or at least this universe. Just like Paris Hilton – everyone either wants to be us or be like us.
So along came Michael Bay, who knows how to blow things up and he turned the cartoon into a huge movie a few summers back.
The original was clever and told a good story. It also had a lot of clashing, clanging steel but it was bearable within the context of the film.
The second film was brutal. Even the people involved talk about it like it’s that creepy uncle who got sent away to prison for something we’re not quite sure, except we have no doubt he did it.
The great thing about these movies is they still make a kajillion dollars because the general public has bad taste and kids will watch most anything – well, except anymore Spy Kids movies.
One of the funniest things to come out of the films was Megan Fox’s career. She is to acting as trailer parks are to Better Homes and Gardens. She has been replaced by another vapid Keira Knightley wannabe.
There’s one scene near the merciless, overwrought final scene where she is just standing there looking doughy-eyed and pretty and I’m sure that’s exactly what the stage directions read.
Shia LaBeouf continues his quest to be the next John Cusack.
There’s actually some fairly inspired casting including Frances McDormand John Malkovich Patrick Dempsey, John Turturro and Ken Jeong.
All wasted.
Jeong of course isn’t exactly wasted given that all he really has to live up to is Hangover 1 and 2 but the rest are usually compelling.
Usually.
When I was young, I used to hate war movies that involved dog fights between airplanes because I could never tell who was who unless some one was yelling Tora Tora Tora.
It all seemed like so much noise.
The final scene of this cluttered mess rages on for so long and who can tell their decepticons from the autobots. I know one is the bright colors but it just goes on and on. I can’t get a toaster to work for more than six weeks but their guys are hurtling through buildings and blowing hydraulic hoses and crushing their various parts without skipping a beat.
Look, this thing is way too long. It runs over 2 1/2 hours. Please.
Again the special effects are remarkable and there’s a ton of them.
So what’s missing boys and girls?
Story.
I need answers. How can the decpticons ship be on the moon?
How do you save the world and then end up working in a crappy job with a psycho boss and which Ihop is that little anti-semite Megan Fox working at?
Oh the things we do for art.
Sorry Charlie, no tuna and no interest in TF4. Of course, so far it’s made $303 million so we know it’s far from over. Next time maybe they can rip off a Fleetwood Mac album for its title.
I know this will continue to make money and be a huge renter but I’ll just be happy when we’re done playing it. It hurts my brain and my feelings.
As always, other opinions are welcome, but wrong. That’s it for this week. The cheque’s in the mail and I’m outta here. Paul