Couldn’t watch Transformers 4 and 22 Jump full of wimp and wuss

Paul Peterson

OK so here’s the thing –
Transformers 4 is about to become the biggest movie in the history of ever thanks to the Chinese box office.
For a while now I have suggested that the domestic release was more an advance trailer for the DVD and nothing about the fact that North America has now been relegated to third world status has changed my opinion.
That colossal piece of film rolls in at a stagarringly long 165 minutes.
Are you kidding me?
How many buildings do we need to blow up?
How many cars can we crush with our might?
How many times can Mark Wahlberg look pensive, worried, and still relatively unphased?
Apparently a lot.
I am not going to review it.
It’s terrible from my point of view.
It would be good if you were on death row and wanted to drag your final hours out to an excruciatingly long time.
Watch this movie and then joyfully summon your keeper.

I can’t review it because I couldn’t watch it.
I started to make a shive out of my plastic spoon (I’m not allowed anything sharp here in the home for the unpleasant) and then I tried to drive it into my head.
Repeatedly.
I know the readership is saying Paul, it can’t be that bad.
Wanna bet?
See it at your own risk. Fork wounds are slow to heal.

Then there’s 22 Jump Street.
I know I’m half a tool for even reviewing comedies with a critical eye but the other half is quite accomplished and I expect more from funny.
It’s just our rule. If it’s funny, it flies. If not, you’re off the team.
Thanks for playing and here’s your parting gifts.
The first night I played it I was watching the backscreen but the people next to me were killing themselves laughing.
That seemed to be a good sign – but not so much. There are moments.
Jonah Hill is always likeable and Channing Tatum is a clever boy but this movie is so formulaic that the funniest part to me is the end when they make fun of how scripted they are.
Which reminds me of another real life story.
But I digress.
Here’s the thing – This is funny enough to do 100 mill on DVD sales.
And there will definitely be another one.
I was just disappointed.
It’s a buddy movie with a heavy does of wimp and wuss.
Hill is cloying and ingratiating and Tatum is better but he spends way too much time hanging out with dudes in the gym.
I know this is ridiculous but if you’re going to make them cops, at least let them pretend they know something.
Other than that it was great. I’m trying to be more positive. So I’m positive I won’t watch this again. Not even at gunpoint.
Ok more positive than that.
Hmmm.
It’s a lot funnier than Tammy.
More on that walking angst bomb next week.
As always, other opinions are welcome, but wrong. That’s it for this week. The cheque’s in the mail and I’m outta here. Paul