Funerals becoming a thing of the past as end-of-life rituals change

By Sharon Harrison
“If the death of a loved one is going to be one of the most challenging things that happens to us, we need to be in the room together. We need to take a breath. We need to stop. We need to look back.”

Reverend Lynne Donovan lead a ‘Zoom’ webinar for seniors this week and told them today’s message is clear: As times are changing, more and more people don’t want a traditional, religious funeral and instead are seeking alternatives to align with present day values.

But rituals of some kind, she said, need to continue.

Donovan explained death can be a tough topic; an awkward subject many find upsetting and one others may simply want to avoid talking about at all. She added some people are in complete denial they will die at all.

“I am sharing this information in a season when it really is the end of the majority of the community engaged in traditional religious practices, and that means we are in a bit of no man’s land,” said Donovan.

During the webinar hosted by the Prince Edward County Community Care for Seniors Association, Rev. Donovan, who serves St. Andrew’s Church in Picton, spoke about end-of-life rituals, and how changes in recent years are bringing different ways of handling a loved one’s passing, and a different mindset.

The virtual presentation was free of charge to County seniors as part of the organization’s on-going active living program.

Donovan spoke to the “whole allergic reaction to death and dying” and said “death actually scares people, and no one wants to talk about their grief”.

Death, she said, can be messy and complicated, where it can also stir up unfortunate family dynamics, “as much as we try to create the conditions that will support a comfortable, peaceful death, death can be traumatic”.

She referred to two conversations with funeral directors, one 10 years ago, where he stated how challenging business was getting. She quotes him as saying “Less and less people are choosing to have a funeral, and an end-of-life ritual, and a celebration of life, and that makes it very difficult for those who are the survivors.”

Donovan acknowledges she isn’t saying everyone should go back to the former practices. “What I’m saying is, we need new practices.”

In the other conversation about a year ago, the discussion was about support people need when to comes to the rituals of saying goodbye. She was told people don’t want a minister or even an officiant, they want emcees or a master of ceremonies.

“I walked away from that thinking wow… thousands of years of some sort of religious leader, shaman, spiritual guru overseeing these end-of-life rituals, and it’s over. Wow,” she said. “Or at least that’s where we are now in a season where we don’t want grandma’s funeral. We may not know yet, we may not be a culture that has developed alternative rituals, so we are in no man’s land.”

She used the obituaries in local media as an example of witnessing the change and cultural shift where she said a third at any given time may indicate a funeral, maybe a few will be held at churches, but other locations are used, such as the yacht club or a local brewery, for example.

Donovan spoke to the end of organized religion and how the role of ritual in the culture has declined, citing that many people are now identifying as ‘spiritual’ rather than ‘religious’ as one reason for the change.

“The church used to be the organization that oversaw those rights of passage: birth, marriage, death,” she said, “We live in a culture that is grief averse, and death denying.”

Often, she noted, she encounters people who are in denial about death.

“Here’s the deal, folks: You are going to die and it’s a big deal. How are you preparing for it?”

Donovan explained that it used to be that death was the job of the community, and the family who would prepare the body, the community who would bring the food, and the wake, or the initial party, would be in the home.

“You would work with your synagogue, church or mosque, and you would maybe go from the wake to a service in the church; it was a community thing, it wasn’t just the church part, it was the visitation part, it was the making connection, it was a community gathering to support and acknowledge the life and death of one of their members.”

Donovan continued to talk about what an end-of-life ritual does, whether a funeral, a celebration of life, a ritual in the family home, or even a ritual on a beach around a fire.

She said, end-of-life rituals serve as containers, safe spaces, to help us transition from one stage of life to another.

“In many ways, rituals are like a resting place on our journey, a place where we can take a step back, look at this gift of life and reconnect with its purpose,” she explained. “Rituals provide a space to remember, to honour a legacy, to express gratitude, and to recall all the ways a person’s life has contributed to the wider web of life. Rituals create a shared experience, so we can move through life’s biggest challenges, feeling supported and together, and if nothing else, this might be the most important purpose.”

She indicated that if a person thinks they don’t want anything (such as no service, and no ritual), she suggested they are preventing those who survive “from the work of being human, which includes being together, grieving together, remembering together. All of these things, fortifying us to live with loss and grief”.

“So, even thinking about the kind of ritual, experience, celebration that would just honour your loved one, is already the beginning of the grieving and healing journey.”

She explained how on-going rituals are remembrance and give grief some time.

“So, in a world where we are encouraged to get back to work, get back on the horse, or just move on, daily rituals following the loss of a loved one; whether it’s lighting a candle, going and sitting in a place or garden that they loved, or reading one of their favourite poems or remembering one of their favourite pieces of music, creates a container for you to acknowledge your grief, to come close to it, to attend to it, to be tender with it, just as you would a gaping wound that was in need of healing that would nonetheless leave a scar.”

“Even following a death, and following a community ritual to acknowledge that death, daily personal rituals can also provide you with a container, the space to honour the grief work following the life of a loved one.”

She said death can be a reminder that people aren’t perfect, that people, particularly parents can sometimes be hurtful and therefore can stir up old childhood trauma. Managing these realities is important she said, and the discomfort knowing that there are these uncomfortable realities, should not be a reason to avoid the creation of an event for both the family, and the wider community.

Of the elements that are important, Donovan said start now, get involved in the conversation, speak to your spouse, your loved one, your best friend about how you would like your life to be remembered.

“Do you have a favourite place that is full of good memories? Do you have a favourite practice like a backyard party or a kitchen party, or a favourite holiday destination, that could create the setting for a ritual or a celebration of life, at least on a family level, if not on a community level?”

Donovan suggests people should be open and honest about their spirituality, but also says generally it is important to speak to your children and especially so if they do not share similar religious beliefs.

“Your loved ones will be grateful that you have provided them with wisdom and guidance. It will make their life and their decisions easier because they will want to honour your wishes.”

Donovan concluded with describing how the end-of-life rituals needs to be authentic, and noted it is why there are fewer church and funeral services because people are saying, it is not their faith, or religion or practice, and doesn’t feel authentic to take that route any longer.

“Whatever you create, it needs to be authentic, and creating structure is important, to include a beginning and an end.”

Answering questions, Donovan urged it is important to do something and spoke of the loss of two close people she had known all her life – neither of whom had a funeral, and had no acknowledgement of their passing.

“What does it say about where our culture is, that dying is the second most important thing we ever do after living? We really are talking about a culture that is wrestling with this thing called dying, but that’s a bit crazy because it’s all of our reality. And yet our ability to pretend that it isn’t important, I don’t quite understand.”

“If the death of a loved one is going to be one of the most challenging things that happens to us, we need to be in the room together, we need to take a breath, we need to stop, we need to look back, she added. “Life is a gift, friends; it is a gift, it has a beginning and it has an end.”

Community Care for Seniors offers extensive programming, services, resources, information and help for seniors living in Prince Edward County. Contact staff by phone at 613-476-7493, by email, info@communitycareforseniors.org, or visit their website at communitycareforseniors.org.