Justice wears whiskers at the Loyalist Humane Society

Sponsored by

A Sheltered Life – stories as told to Maggie Haylock-Capon, by Liza, resident greeter at the Loyalist Humane Society. (Photographs by Alan R. Capon)

(If you are unable to adopt a cat or kitten, there are many other important ways to help the LHS. Donations of Javex and other household cleaning products, garbage bags, grocery bags, litter, cat food and kitten food are welcome. The Loyalist Humane Society is located on County Road 4, (Talbot Street), near the intersection of Tripp Road.)

Hi, Everyone,

Liza
Interrupted while trying to catch 40 winks, following her latest public appearance at Prince Edward Collegiate Institute, Liza was in a bit of a mood. She pointed out that celebrecats need their beauty sleep.

It’s Liza, celebre-cat with flare, reporting live from The Laundry Room, the happening place at the Loyalist Humane Society. The news here this week is almost too hot to print, but after consulting with our resident legal advisor Crawford, I am assured that what I am about to report cannot be declared libelous.

Recently, it was my sad duty to report that our residents were calling for Police Chief Vinny’s resignation, following his shameful dalliance with Spitty Riley and Hissy Missy. For months now, Franco, Zeke, Cruiser and their low-life friends have been disrupting our shelter with their antics. We all thought that Vinny could restore order, but Franco and friends were too clever for him. As Crawford pointed out, this lawlessness must stop.

It was our beloved senior citizen, Rocky, who came up with a brilliant idea for thwarting Franco and company. Since The Rockster is 16 years old, he has seen a lot in his day, including the movie Godfather Three with Al Pacino. Rocky pointed out that in this film, the Corleone family cleverly planned a night of retribution. It was sworn that, before dawn, all of their enemies would die. He suggested that a few of us plan something similar, but less violent. Our goal would be to teach Franco, Zeke, Cruiser, and their friends a lesson they would never forget.

Rocky was quick to point out that while these shelter rowdies could readily create mayhem, Torte, Madame R, Bobbitt, Saylor and I were much smarter. After all, we had formed a book club, a computer club, and a recreation committee. By pooling our ideas we would be certain to come up with a sure-fire plan to fix Franco and friends once and for all. This observation had merit, so we put on our thinking caps and came up with Justice Wears Whiskers, a devious plot for revenge.

It was agreed that Spitty Riley should be the first to feel our wrath. Torte crushed up some of her sleeping pills and waddled over to the feral room to invite Spitty to speak at the next meeting of our book club. When Spitty received Torte’s invitation to talk to the group about her scandalous life on the streets, she was very flattered. Torte feigned exhaustion after her long walk to the wild side of town and asked Spitty for a drink. Ms Riley returned with two glasses of cat milk and when she wasn’t looking, Torte dropped in the crushed sleeping pills. She waited until Spitty was snoring loudly, before doing a quick waddle back to The Laundry Room to tell us it was time for Step Two.

Madame R and Rocky took a walk on the wild side, carrying Cruiser’s monogrammed shaving kit. While Spitty slept, they gave her a lion cut, then left the shaving kit behind to frame Cruiser as the culprit. Just to make certain that he got the blame, Madame R left a note that read: “I’ve always dreamed of seeing you naked”.

Saylor and Rocky then hid in the bushes waiting for Franco and Zeke to make their nightly visit to Scroggins tavern. As they passed by, our two heroes sprang out of the brush wearing white pillowcases over their heads. Saylor sucker-punched Franco before he could put his paws up and Rocky clobbered Zeke with a weighted water bowl. Both villains went down like stones. Both macho villains were then dressed in pink ballerina outfits and photographed. Madame R then pinned notes on their chests that read: “The next time, you will not be so lucky. One more false move and pictures will go viral.”

The next morning, Spitty Riley awakened as naked as a jaybird, then spotted Cruiser’s shaving kit. Horrified she pussyfooted at top speed to The Laundry Room, with Hissy Missy in tow. They barged in hissing at the top of their lungs, and Spitty delivered a left hook that knocked Cruiser out cold. Then, for good measure, she kicked Zeke in the shins. Next, she revealed that Cruiser, Franco, and Zeke had been behind the plot to discredit our police chief. She also announced that Cruiser was a mole.

Chief Vinny has been re-instated and Franco and friends are on their best behaviour for the time being. However, all is not serene at our shelter. Spitty Riley is still wailing about her lion cut and threatening bodily harm to anyone who dares to snicker at her. Informed sources say that a Picton lawyer visited her recently and she is considering a law suit. Now, on to other matters.

Spring is in the air and it’s a hopeful time. Many of our residents are still hoping for a forever home. Please let me make the introductions.

Ha’Penny
This delightful tiger miss is a polydactyl. Now recovering from a flea allergy she’s sporting “summer hair” but will have a medium-long coat when her coat regrows. Ha’ Penny is an affectionate little cat who would be the purrfect family pet.

Rocky
Rocky has already found his forever home with us and has a sponsor. However, he always enjoys having his picture taken. Recently, he celebrated his 16th birthday. Cards and congratulatory messages were received from 112 of his offspring. Several ex-wives sent nasty notes in which failure to pay kitten support was mentioned.

Freddy
Freddy is in a contemplative mood these days. He is pondering what it is that a fellow must do to find a forever home. He is handsome, well-educated and comes complete with a gray flannel suit, yet no one ever shows any interest in him. He is seriously considering a makeover.

Remnants
Remnants is still a leftover. This pretty black and white miss is seriously seeking a forever home and cannot understand why she has been overlooked so often in the past. Napping in a sunbeam, she dreams of having a family of her own one day.

Fast Eddy
Handsome Eddy is hopeful of finding a family who will love him even if he does have one bad eye. It is not yet known if he will lose the vision in his ailing peeper, but as he points out, he has a spare. Young, sleek, and affectionate, he would be the ideal companion for a senior citizen.

Tiger Toes
Have a foot fetish? Then Tiger Toes is for you.This little miss has very big feet and a big personality to match. Mrs. Moffat says she is “very sweet”.

Precious
Words fail to describe Precious. A unique black cat with a distinctive look, she is still seeking her forever home. It has been suggested that a makeover could help her to achieve her goal.

Jake, Ce-ce, and Fast Eddy
The Three Amigos discuss the meaning of life, while enjoying a lovely spring afternoon at the shelter.

La-La
Imagine his surprise when a young Belleville man unlocked the door to his new apartment and found a homeless person inside. He drove her straight to our shelter where she is rapidly becoming a favourite. La-La is young, cuddly, and looking for a home of her own, complete with key.

Shadow
Handsome Shadow is currently being treated for ear polyps but is looking forward to a home of his own, once his medical issues have been resolved.

The silent auction held at the Quinte’s Isle Blue Grass Festival at Quinte Campark last weekend raised an amazing $1112.50 for our shelter! What wonderful news. We are very grateful for this gift. Franco, Zeke, Cruiser and their musical group called The Caterwaulers were booed off-stage during this event. Tomatoes started flying when Zeke began to strum a little number titled Who Spit Tobaccy on Tessie’s Wedding Gown.

News Flashes From Franco

What’s Happenin’ Dudes?

Me and the boys hit a spot of trouble last week and decided to lie low for a while. That traitor, Vinny, has been reinstated as Chief of Police and word is that he’s lookin’ for us. He’d be lucky to find his elbow in the dark, so we ain’t worried. Cruiser’s cover was blown and he was fired from the LHS PD without so much as a severance package. He oughta talk to our lawyer, Crawford about that.

The huntin’ is good this year. I’ve bagged a few more snakes, one of ’em almost the size of a python.

Sad to report that Kramer crossed the Rainbow Bridge. Always liked him. On the good news side, Fluffy McDuffy, Ellie, and Mallory got themselves adopted. We’re happy for them.

Off to see my buddy, Scroggins.

-Franco

From the Desk of Liza

I am pleased to report that the recent E-Waste Day sponsored at Prince Edward Collegiate Institute raised approximately $1,900. for our shelter. I made a personal appearance at the school to receive the cheque. I quite enjoyed this outing and spent a pleasant time in the school courtyard.

Our annual yard sale here at the shelter will take place in August, on the Civic Holiday weekend. We welcome your donations for this popular event.

Our good friend, Lorain Sine, is planning another benefit concert for us, in July. More information on this, later.

We have our usual influx of rug rats here at the shelter this spring. Personally, I find them very annoying but some people actually appear to like them. All they seem to do is look cute and wail. I have goals in life. I make public appearances and write a blog. I suppose I was once a kitten, too, but I am sure I had motivation even then and I certainly did not wail.

–Until next week,
Liza

Cat calls for the resignation of Chief Vinny

Hi, Everyone,

Liza

It’s Liza, official Meeter and Greeter for the Loyalist Humane Society reporting live from The Laundry Room. As spoksecat for our shelter it has fallen to me to issue a formal statement regarding the shocking allegations against our new police chief, Vinny.

I should like to begin by saying that we believe our chief to be innocent on all counts. It is our contention that he was the victim of a shameful deception plotted by Franco and his band of low-lifes.
As you know, Cruiser joined our new police force solely to act as a mole. When he heard that the chief was about to shut down Scroggins still in the underbrush behind the shelter, he ran straight to Franco with the news. Franco, who is one of Scroggins best customers, realized there was no time to waste. He decided to enlist the aid of Spitty Riley, in dealing with the chief.

Our resident Queen of the Ferals is always happy to help out her old friend, Franco, so when he outlined his plan she pronounced it the cat’s meow. She fluffed her fur and set out for the police station where she asked to speak to Chief Vinny about an urgent matter. When ushered into his office, she batted her big green eyes and reported that her flea collar had been stolen. Then she told him how handsome he looked in his new uniform. When he said he would have to make out a theft report, she invited him to stop by her home, which is on the wild side of town, in the feral room. She purred that they would be much more comfortable there.

Vinny took the bait and that evening arrived at her door, promptly at 7 p.m. Spitty invited him inside and offered him a glass of cat milk, which had been spiked by Zeke with one of Torte’s sleeping pills. Within minutes. Vinny was sound asleep on Spitty’s sofa.  A catnip cigar was then stuck in his paw. Spitty called in Hissy Missy and one or two more of the girls and they cuddled up to the chief while Franco took pictures. In one shot, Spitty is wearing the chief’s hat and very little else.

These scandalous photos appeared in the Talbot Street Times and on YouTube along with a quote from Chief Vinny that read: “If I smoked a catnip cigar, I must have been in a drunken stupor.”

Now there have been cat calls for the resignation of Chief Vinny and in all the commotion everyone has forgotten about Scroggins’ still. Franco is looking very smug and telling everyone that he knew the police force would never last.

Chief Vinny has called for a review by the Feline Bureau of Investigation to clear his name.

Stay tuned to see if he will remain in office.

Cruiser
Cruiser was deputized by Police Chief Vinny and now drives a black and white. The Chief has no idea that he is really a mole for Franco and friends. He is also unaware that Cruiser won second place in a Cats That Look Like Hitler contest.

The Vinny Video
Chief of Police Vinny as seen on YouTube. Accused of smoking a catnip cigar he says he must have been in a drunken stupor.

Vinny
Our Chief of Police, Vinny, one of the few shelter cats with a career. Unfortunately, he is presently involved in a scandal involving Spitty O’Riley.

Sylvester
Sylvester now has a sponsor. He is the 60th cat at the LHS to be sponsored by a member of the community. He is presently busy composing a letter to his new foster parents.

Tickle Me Tortie
Tortie enjoys outdoor activities, especially paintball games. She is shown here in her camouflage suit which she dons whenever playing paintball. A mature cat, she remains young at heart and would be the purrfect companion for a retired couple.

Scuba
Scuba was found living under the office at the LHS last winter. Mrs. Moffatt promptly invited him to come in from the cold and he has been here ever since. He’s handsome, personable, and available.

Harness
Harness is fervently hoping to be adopted by a family with a pool. He enjoys relaxing poolside and says he comes complete with Speedo.

Blanche
Beautiful Blanche is eager to find a home of her own. Striking in white, she would be the ideal accent for any sofa.

Flambe Tremblay
Left homeless when her elderly owner passed away, this mature calico cat would be purrfect for a senior citizen. Mrs. Moffat says she is “a sweetheart”.

Saylor
If you’ve got it, flaunt it. Our resident hunk, Saylor, is always a big hit with the ladies. With his movie star good looks, he is a real heartthrob.

She’s a Keeper
This beautiful, long-haired kitten found her forever home this week, along with one of her siblings. She’s just a sample of the many beautiful cats at the LHS now seeking families of their own.

Just Call Me Available
This pert, short-haired kitten was a little depressed when her two long-haired siblings found a forever home together. She’s hoping someone will choose her as their new BFF very soon.

Acing an Audition
This kitten definitely knows how to work a crowd. When a young couple came to adopt his brother this week he made such a persuasive pitch for a forever home that they left with not one, but two, balls of fluff. This kitten definitely has a bright future in sales.

Sandra
Sandra arrived at our shelter as an unwed mother. Sadly, she lost her kittens. Now spayed, she is earnestly seeking a forever home. Mrs. Moffat describes this pretty little calico miss as “an absolute sweetie who loves to snuggle”.

News Flashes From Franco
Hi, Ya,
Guess you heard about what happened to that turncoat Chief Vinny. Serves him right for taking that job in the first place. His career in law enforcement is over thanks to my old lady, Spitty Riley. Word is that Cruiser will become the next Chief of Police. Scroggins’ still will be safe as long as he heads up the posse. Vinny is trying to clear his name but nobody believes he was set up. Remind me that I owe Spitty and Hissy Missy a fish dinner at The Ancient Mariner’s, that new place that just opened in the underbrush behind the shelter. Those gals really rock.

-Outta here,
Franco

From the Desk of Liza
Don’t forget our annual yard sale, when doing your spring cleaning. A sale date has not yet been announced, but it is not too early to make donations.

Good news for the LHS. A large quantity of pop cans taken to the recycling depot raised $1,500 for our shelter.

This week I am sad report that two of our residents, Duffy McDuffy and Sam have crossed the Rainbow Bridge. We will miss them.

In closing, I would ask that shelter residents keep an open mind regarding the charges laid against our new Chief of Police, Vinny. He has been suspended without pay, pending further investigation.

-Until next week,
Liza.

* * *
Click here for previous Loyalist Humane Society blogs