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Overlook criminal records of guests at Society’s Sadie Hawkins dance


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A Sheltered Life – stories as told to Maggie Haylock-Capon, by Liza, resident greeter at the Loyalist Humane Society. (Photographs by Alan R. Capon)

(If you are unable to adopt a cat or kitten, there are many other important ways to help the LHS. Donations of Javex and other household cleaning products, garbage bags, grocery bags, litter, cat food and kitten food are welcome. The Loyalist Humane Society is located on County Road 4, (Talbot Street), near the intersection of Tripp Road.)

Hello, Everyone,

Liza doing the laundry

Liza

It’s Liza reporting from The Laundry Room at the Loyalist Humane Society, which is presently under lock-down. I hardly know where to begin, to describe all that has happened here in the past 24 hours. As Torte has wisely suggested, perhaps I should just start at the beginning.

As you will recall, there was great excitement at our shelter about our upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance on Valentine’s Day. Love was in the air and even the residents of our seniors’ room were eagerly anticipating the event.Torte was to be escorted by not one, but three dates, and had been rattling on for days about what she would wear. After careful thought, I decided to invite Henry to be my date. He is a very personable cat and quite handsome. The trouble all started when Pebbles was named head of the refreshment committee. She is always pottering about in the kitchen of the Main House and insisted on making a large bowl of punch, using her grandmother’s recipe.

Mrs. M. approved a budget of $5 for the ingredients and Pebbles went shopping. She stirred up a bowl of punch with a clamato juice base. Sockeye salmon juice provided a flavour boost and sprigs of catnip were floated in the bowl for eye appeal. Dainty sandwiches were made from flavoured tuna and bowls of Temptation treats were placed on side tables.

Our musicians (Cat and the Fiddle) arrived at the Main House right on time and our party began. It was a magical evening and everyone remarked on the fine job that Tortellini had done with the decorations. Little did we know that disaster was looming. That rascal, Franco, and his pals Cruiser and Zeke were angry because no one had invited them to the dance. No girl conscious of her reputation would have anything to do with that trio. As they sat alone in the hallway, listening to the romantic ballads being played by our musicians, they hit upon a scheme for revenge. Franco hurried outside and pussyfooted into the underbrush where a disreputable tom named Scroggins operates a still. He came back, grinning from ear to ear, with a bottle under his arm.

Cruiser

Cruiser

Just before intermission, Cruiser snuck into the common room of the Main House, where the dance was in progress. When no one was looking, he poured the contents of the bottle that Franco had procured into the punch bowl. You can imagine the rest.

It was warm in the room and all of us had more than one glass of punch. When the dancing resumed, we noticed something a little different about our musicians. Instead of those romantic ballads they had been playing, they began to strum pub songs including Knees Up Mother Brown. The music became faster and faster and the dancers started to shout and stamp their feet. Someone opened a window and several party-goers danced onto the screened front porch. Torte lumbered out there with an inebriated Saylor in tow, climbed on a chair, and began to belt out I Left My Heart in San Francisco. Not to be outdone, Saylor offered a few choruses of She’s Only a Bird in a Gilded Cage.

More and more party revellers assembled on the porch and the singing grew louder. Just as Torte was preparing for an encore, a black and white car with the word POLICE on its trunk pulled into the driveway. Annoyed neighbours had called the local constabulary. The police, in turn, had phoned Mrs. M. who arrived right behind them. An officer cleared the dance hall and made it clear that the party was over. Numerous charges of disturbing the peace were laid and everyone was calling for Crawford, our resident legal advisor. Unfortunately, he had passed out under the refreshment table.

Mosely

Mosely

But wait, I’ve saved the best ’til last. Crawford’s law partner, Mosely, is a Justice of the Peace. It seems that after spiking the punch bowl, Franco and his friends took a few sips themselves and joined the crowd. In his inebriated state, Franco decided that Torte was the most exciting thing since Benny’s Bully Bits and asked her to marry him. Of course, she jumped at the chance to be a Mrs. and with Mosely officiating they tied the knot.

Mrs. M. was horrified by all that had happened and said all of us are grounded until further notice. Franco will seek Crawford’s assistance in obtaining an annulment, just as soon as our esteemed legal advisor sobers up.

You must excuse me now. I have a terrible headache and I need to lie down. Before I go, I should mention that we have some wonderful residents in search of forever homes. Allow me to introduce them, in hopes that you will overlook their recent criminal records.

-Liza

HotchHotch
Hotch was rescued by Good Samaritans, during our recent cold snap, and arrived at our shelter with frostbite. He has lost the tips of both ears and part of his tail but is hopeful that he can still find a forever home with someone who will love him for his sweet disposition. He is neutered and was declawed by a previous owner.

BobbitBobbit
Gunfighters have notches on their guns and feisty tomcats sport notched ears. Bobbit’s ear indicates that before he came to our shelter, where he was neutered, he won at least one alley fight. This handsome puss is a bib-tail, hence his name.

Cliff-BedboroughClifford Jacob Bedborough the First
One of our newer residents, Clifford has been struggling with an assortment of health problems, but is now on the road to recovery. He has gained weight and the scabs that covered his body when he first came here have disappeared. An older cat, he is hoping for a forever home with a senior citizen or a retired couple.

RockyRocky
Our favourite senior, Rocky, is proud that he does not have a rap sheet. He slept through our Sadie Hawkins dance and was not among those arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

Sleeping-it-offSleeping it Off
Victor, Torte, and Victoria are still sleeping it off, after our Sadie Hawkins dance. Franco is incensed. He and Torte have been married for less than two days and already she’s in bed with Victor.

SaylorSaylor
Saylor is very embarrassed about his conduct at the Sadie Hawkins dance. Who knew that the punch was spiked? He says he is very grateful that it was Franco, not he, who accidentally married Torte.

ShenandoahShenandoah
A beautiful tiger and white miss, Shenandoah would like nothing better than a home of her own. She is eager to state that she was not arrested at the Sadie Hawkins dance. She was tipsy, but she hid in a play tunnel until the police left.

Little-Gray-ManLittle Gray Man
Little Gray Man is a true friend indeed. He was one of the few cats to remain sober at the dance. He is seen here sitting with a friend who is still sleeping it off after a night of revelry.

Caruso-and-Greese-MonkeyCaruso and Grease Monkey
With a name like Caruso, he just had to sing at our dance. It was his off-key rendition of Nessun Dorma that awakened the entire neighbourhood. Grease Monkey (right) couldn’t resist joining in. These  handsome gentlemen are our resident eye candy.

Sweet-GrassSweet Grass
With a name like Sweet Grass you can bet that this tiger and white puss is facing charges. She sells catnip on street corners.

LollipopLollipop
Meet Lollipop our shelter’s love machine. The most affectionate cat at the LHS he cuddles at the slightest excuse. This beautiful black cat would be the purrfect puss for a lonely senior. Put a little love in your life with Lolly.

AlAl
Handsome Al is the only cat at our shelter who manages to look good, even with a hangover. He tried to suppress this photo which he says could ruin his modelling career but Cruiser snitched it before it could be shredded.

News Flashes From Franco
That blabbermouth Liza has already given you all the news that’s fit to print. She has probably told you that I married Torte by accident and I wish to emphasize the word “accident”. Crawford assures me that it will be a simple matter to obtain an annulment. In the meantime, Torte is busily embroidering sheets with our initials.

Mrs. M. has asked me to mention that another E-Waste day in support of the LHS will be held this spring by members of the Environmental Club at Prince Edward Collegiate Institute. Please be sure to save your old electronics for this event.

Rumour has it that a hot romance has developed between our resident rapper, M and M and our fairy tale princess, Snow White. It appears that opposite indeed do attract.

A collection is being taken up to send Bernice to the spa for a makeover. Mrs. M. tried to unsnarl her tangled hair but says, in addition to being matted, it’s greasy. Apparently, Bernice has been using far too much styling gel to achieve her “spikes”. This sad sack cat could be a real beauty if given a new hairstyle.

We had a new arrival at our shelter on Valentine’s Day. A gorgeous white cat with blue eyes named Cupid. She has a head start in this year’s kitten derby. Cupid is already a mother-to-be, much to Mrs. M’s surprise. And she didn’t even attend our Sadie Hawkins dance.

Best wishes to Norbert and Freezy who have found their forever homes. We are very happy for them.

Off to see my lawyer,

Franco

From the Desk of Liza
Please excuse me, but I have been far too busy with damage control to prepare a proper report. I fear that our Sadie Hawkins dance has caused serious problems for many of our residents. Crawford, Mosely and I are attempting to sort things out.

-Until next week,
Liza

 

Sadie Hawkins dance plans raise concerns with society residents

 

James Bond's reaction to being invited to our Sadie Hawkins dance by Torte was a howl of protest, after which he meowed "Gag me with a spoon."

James Bond’s reaction to being invited to our Sadie Hawkins dance by Torte was a howl of protest, after which he meowed “Gag me with a spoon.”

Hello, Everyone,
It’s Liza, official meeter and greeter for the Loyalist Humane Society reporting live from The Laundry Room where everything but laundry is happening, at present. The recent cold snap has frozen our water pipes. Luckily, there are plenty of clean sheets in the linen closet to see us through this disaster.

When Kiefer Sutherland thought Torte might be heading in his direction, he attempted to make himself as small as possible. He was heard to whisper, "If I'm very quiet, she may think that no one's home."

When Kiefer Sutherland thought Torte might be heading in his direction, he attempted to make himself as small as possible. He was heard to whisper, “If I’m very quiet, she may think that no one’s home.”

With so much bad weather in recent days, many of us here have passed the time planning for our upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance. A group called Cat and the Fiddle has been booked to play for the occasion and festivities will be held in The Main House which has a large common room.
There has been much discussion of whom will be inviting whom to the dance and unfortunately it led to heartbreak for poor Torte. She confided that she had special feelings for Moey and was planning to ask him to be her date. Word already had spread through the cattery that Torte had her cap set for someone in the parlor. Several of the handsome young gentlemen who reside there made themselves scarce when they learned that she was headed their way.

Torte cornered Moey, just as he was finishing breakfast, and shyly asked if he would like to accompany her to the dance. The insensitive clod replied that he would rather waltz with a hippopotamus. Poor Torte fled as if her tail were on fire and scrambled to her customary perch on a blanket stretched over the top of a line of pet crates in The Laundry Room. She started to cry piteously and the more she sobbed the closer she came to the edge of her perch. Suddenly, she hit the floor with a mighty thud that brought Mrs. M. running. Although quite shaken luckily Torte was not hurt.

When asked how she managed to persuade three of the handsomest cats at the LHS to be her dates for the dance, Torte just winked.

When asked how she managed to persuade three of the handsomest cats at the LHS to be her dates for the dance, Torte just winked.

Word of Moey’s cruel remark circulated throughout the shelter and it was agreed that something must be done to lift Torte’s spirits. Saylor brought forward a brilliant proposal that was quickly seconded by Robson, Neville Chat, and Crawford. It was decided that she would have not one date for the dance, but three. A trio of the handsomest cats at the LHS would escort her to the Sadie Hawkins dance on Valentine’s Day. She would be the belle of the ball. It was also agreed that itching powder would be sprinkled liberally in Moey’s bed. Rumour has it that Franco has been hired to tinkle in his toaster.

Torte was nearly speechless when Saylor, Neville, and Robson pussyfooted to her door to say that they wanted to be her dates. Now, she can talk of nothing but the dance. She is making a big fuss over what to wear and begging Mrs. M. to make an appointment for her at the new dog wash at Pet Valu. This prompted Moey to call out that she should have a whale of a good time.

Personally, I am greatly disappointed in the lack of chivalry displayed by some of the gentlemen in the parlor. Several photos were snapped of the reactions displayed by those fearing that Torte might ask them to be her date. Judge for yourselves how unkind they were to one of our sweetest residents.

Find a new best friend in 2014 . Choose from our fine selection of quality cats and kittens. All ages, sizes, and colours, special orders filled as availability of inventory permits. Here is a small sampling of what we have to offer:

HotchHotch
Everyone is talking about the weather, especially Hotch who found himself homeless during one of the worst winter storms in recent memory. Once, he was a beloved pet. Neutered and declawed, upon arrival at the shelter, obviously in a past life had a place to hang his hat.
Hotch’s ears and tail were frostbitten, but he is recovering well from his ordeal and hoping to find his family.

ChipsChips
A handsome gentleman of refinement, Chips is hopeful of finding his forever family in 2014. Recently, he updated his resume and was proud to add spool knitting to his accomplishments. He is now attempting to master needlepoint. His motto is “the devil makes work of idle paws”.

Snow-WhiteSnow White
Our fairy tale princess has generated a good deal of annoyance among residents of the sitting room. She keeps insisting that the fellow occupants of her quarters are The Seven Dwarves. Zeke is particularly put out with her because she constantly refers to him as Dopey. All of us have our paws crossed that her prince will come, tomorrow rather than “someday”. Snow White is very affectionate and could be the one to give you the fairy tale ending you’ve been wishing for.

SneezySneezy
Snow White calls him Sneezy and the name seems to have stuck. He protests that he is NOT one of The Seven Dwarves, but no one pays any attention. He fervently hopes that he will soon be rescued by another fairy tale princess, such as Cinderella or Rapunzel.

Little-Gray-ManLittle Gray Man
Handsome in a slate gray leisure suit, this distinguished puss is an intellectual. He often reads far into the night and even has his own library card. He would welcome a home with a family with an appreciation for fine literature.

Bo-BoBo-Bo
Bo-Bo came to our shelter after being rescued by a Good Samaritan who saw him dumped from a red Ford extend-a-cab truck on Upper Lake Street. He is about three years of age and has minor damage to his ears as a result of exposure. Bo-Bo is eager for a home of his own but is quick to stress that he hates motoring.

CruiserCruiser
While Cruiser may be a bully, he is highly indignant over Franco’s suggestion that his photo be submitted for an on-line contest featuring cats that look like Hitler. He insists that he looks far more like Tom Selleck. Cruiser would do well as an “only cat” as he has no wish for siblings.

BerniceBernice
A newcomer to our shelter, Bernice is in dire need of a makeover. The girl actually has dreadlocks. Her unkempt appearance has generated considerable comment at our shelter but this week she had the last laugh. She now has a sponsor. With the help of a good stylist, there is every chance that Bernice will take her place on the cat walk when the LHS holds its annual spring fashion show in March.

ClarenceClarence
Clarence had been living on the wild side when brought to our shelter some weeks ago. He has settled in nicely but remains wary. With lots of love and attention he could become the purrfect pet. All he needs is an understanding owner willing to give him a chance to come into his own. He is very handsome and has become a great favourite with the fair set here. Clarence decided on a clever ruse to send Torte on her way. He was planning to tell her that he was married.

AlAl
Determined to succeed in his budding career as a male model, Al now has built an impressive portfolio. He has hired Mosely of the law firm of Crawford and Mosely to represent him in contract negotiations and has retained Franco as his agent. However, there is a rumour that Franco may be fired for his recent gaffe in booking Al into a strip club as a male dancer. Al has issued a press release stating that he is NOT a “peeler”.

SaylorSaylor
While Saylor has no wish to become a model, he definitely has star quality. Rumour has it that he was approached to play the male lead in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof but declined. He says he has no interest in show biz. Instead, he prefers living a quiet life at the shelter, as the assistant to Mrs. Moffatt.

PookyPooky
And speaking of show business, newly arrived Pooky is a real ham. He could not resist mugging for the camera by sticking out his tongue. Pooky is a senior cat who would like nothing better than to become the new best friend of a senior citizen. He enjoys excellent health and resents any implication that he would be a short-term commitment. If you believe that age is just a number, stop to see him soon.

CallieCallie
Callie has just won the feline equivalent of Lotto 649. A kind-hearted woman has given her a life-time sponsorship, along with Bess and Tess. All of her expenses will be paid on a permanent basis and she will have a loving home at our shelter for the rest of her life. No more nerve-wracking auditions or unfulfilled dreams of a forever home. Callie has found her special someone.

ZoeyZoey
Like the legendary Boy Named Sue, Zoey has been forced to resort to fisticuffs on occasion after being called a sissy because of his unusual name. This handsome senior with the piercing gaze is still in fighting trim and would enjoy a new home in which to live out his golden years.

TigerTiger
A vibrant senior who would very much like a home of his own, Tiger came to our shelter when his owner was no longer able to care for him. A gentle cat with a sweet nature, he would be ideal for a senior citizen or a retired couple.

Three-AmigosThree Amigos Prepare for a Nap

News Flashes From Franco

My apologies for a short report this week. Inclement weather has prevented me from visiting the Main House, the Old Folks’ Home and the Feral Room. Mrs. Moffatt has stubbornly ignored my numerous requests for a snowmobile to enable me to make my rounds.

Despite being housebound, I did hear of several adoptions. Tutti Fruitti, Mona, Noel, Tinkerbell, Chucky, Matthew, Dar and Tiny all have found forever homes.

Sadly, our beloved Miss Whipple crossed The Rainbow Bridge. Her passing came as a great shock to us all, for she had not been ill.

The weather has cleared sufficiently for me to make a trek to the Main House, so I’ll be off for a visit.

More to report, next time.
Franco

From the Desk of Liza
The upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance has created great excitement here. I am busy finalizing plans and promise you a full report of this exciting social event. Word has it that some of the boastful gentlemen at our shelter are growing a little nervous about failing to receive their invitations as yet. Franco is certain that Spitty Riley is waiting until the last minute to ask him to be her date. Poor boy, he does not realize that when a girl looks like Spitty Riley she can pick and choose from the cream of the crop. Personally, I believe his best hope is Bernice.

-Until next week,
Liza

* * *
Click here for previous Loyalist Humane Society blogs and other Margaret Haylock Capon features

Filed Under: Margaret Haylock-CaponNews from Everywhere Else

About the Author: Maggie Haylock is a freelance writer and former newspaper reporter who has co-authored several books with her husband, Alan Capon.

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  1. jacquie says:

    Your stories are the main reason I log on to Countylive

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