Summer movies prediction: dull with a chance of glory

Paul Peterson

Well, last week I was relevant, now it’s back to pandering and catering to the lowest common denominator. As I have been honest enough to admit, I’m capable of good moments followed by long periods of mediocracy. Set back and enjoy the dull normal.
It’s summer. The column is already slightly dated as The Avengers nears grossing more than Greece – the country not the film.
It’s one of those things where Disney distributed it for Marvel, stealing it away from Paramount, but Marvel knows what they’re doing and it rhymes with kajillion.
Good film, bound to burn up quickly since it burned so brightly but it was a lot of fun and I think it’s a good watch.
It’s always more fun to predict what’s going to bomb since there are a lot of can’t misses in the summer.
Let me restate that. If you put out a decent film in the summertime it’s going to find an audience. It’s when you suck that you have your bombs.
I think we’re on the precipice of our first full on tank job.

Battleship is getting terrible reviews and even the word of mouth is slightly tarnished. Movies at sea rarely work, and this whole alien invasion is getting a little tired. We get it. We’re the inbred offspring of the universe and no one likes us, even though they love our natural resources, so they come a looking to conquer and only a handful of the best looking can stop them. They’ve been promoting it since last summer and those teases looked good. It’s always a bad sign when the more you see of a film, the messier it gets. It’s got that whole Transformers smash and crash theme and I’m not sure. It will open huge and then disappear under its own weight. Not before doing 100 million though. I could use those kinds of bombs.

Two comedies sneaking under the summer release schedule have already taken a dirt nap. 5 Year Engagement and Dark Shadows failed to grab an audience. I hear 5 Year was just bad, while Dark Shadows was always going to be an acquired taste and apparently no one did.

Men In Black 3 is a movie I want to see. I thought two was slow and droll, and Lar Flynn Boyle needed to mix in a sandwich and some talent. This year’s model looks like they’ve found their mojo again with Will Smith having to go back in time to find out what happened to K. And save him. And the world. And Sony’s summer. I think 200 million easy putting it as the second biggest film of the summer. We’ll see.

Dark Knight rolls in July 21st and it’s the end of Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy and could be crazy magic at the box office. It’s been a closed set and very quiet about what’s what, but there’s a chance this could be bigger than big. Then again, having your co-star die is box office gold and he couldn’t pull that off this time. I’m sure WB tried.  Is that cynical of me? My bad.

Rock of Ages. I saw the musical in Toronto and kind of like the self deprecating humor of Tom Cruise casting himself in the role of the burnt out, washed up rock star Stacey Jaxx.This is a film I want to see and who doesn’t love a Journey sing-along but will it find the same audience Chicago did. Not likely 50 million but I’ll be singing Oh Sherry all July.

Snow White and the Huntsman. This might save Universal’s behind. It’s a tough call Two Snow White films in a row. Who would have guessed? This is big production values and a lot edgier and darker. Charlize Therion as the evil queen, Chris Hemsworth as the Huntsman and Kristen Stewart as Snow White? Weren’t there other no-talent actresses available at the time? I guess Keira Knightley was filming Pirates 11. I have no idea about this one. I like the looks of it so I’m leaning toward hit, but who is the audience? 100 million just because it’s summer.

That’s My Boy, the latest madlib movie from Adam Sandler will do 150 million and be exactly like every other one of his movies and I look forward to playing it at every one of my theatres all the while washing my hands and apologizing.

The new Spiderman might hit, and people seem all sexed up about Prometheus, but I just don’t know. I think they’re all part of the lower stratta that includes Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter and G I Joe, but I’ve been dead wrong before.

There are some cute kid stuff movies, but not as much as I’d like. Disney’s Brave looks decent, bordering on really, really good and the two standbys – Madagascar 3 and Ice Age Continental Drift – should play well to the young uns’.

August brings us Paranorman which looks quirky (spelled no money) and Diary of A Wimpy Kid 3 always does a nice little turn. We’re not getting excited about a nice little turn by the way.

The Bourner Legacy with Jeremy Renner, who’s in everything, might do its usual 100 mill and The Expendables 2 offers more washed-up action figures trying to out flex each other.

My prediction for this summer is dull with a chance of glory, but mostly just dull.
Who cares as long as they buy stuff in the canteen. You know a pogo isn’t just a battered weiner on a stick. It’s also a nitrate delivery system. Mmmm that’s good chemicals.
As always, other opinions are welcome, but wrong. That’s it for this week. The cheque’s in the mail and I’m outta here. Paul