The real secret power of the undead is to put us to sleep

Before I start my review of Breaking Dawn Part 1, I have to declare a conflict of interest. It’s really hard for me to write anything about two special people getting married. I’m still very raw and hurt over the break up of Kim Kardashian and whatever that guy’s name was. It’s just so sad when two manufactured people can’t make it in a completely fabricated relationship. I’m still fake hurting. So forgive me if I leave certain parts out. It’s just hard.

So another juggernaut is upon us and I understand that once again I am  alone in the wilderness pointing out that not only is the emperor naked, but he’s butt ugly as well, and all the moms and daughters throughout the land give me a very inelegant shhhhhhhhh!
Breaking Dawn: Part 1 opened to 140 million so that right there could be a review. It did 140 million.
Who gives a rat what some burnt out hippie thinks about anything? Yes, I’m sure that’ll bring them to their knees.
Still, decorum dictates that I at least review it to the best of my abilities, which clearly are limited on a good day.
If a movie reviewer falls in the forest…???
Ok, so here’s the deal. Edward is over a hundred years old and he’s the reigning king of the undead and he wants to marry Bella who’s an 18-year-old virgin.
There have been three movies all about their love, and her protecting her virginity against the considerable seductive power of fang boy.
So, know it’s a wedding.
Royal Wedding, Celebrity Wedding, Live vs Dead wedding, it plays well with their target audience.
So the movie is about the wedding for starters and Edward of course is made to look like his stool softener isn’t working. What’s that guys deal anyway? He really looks in pain all the time. He’s 100 years old and his teen bride has been waiting for a dude like him for a long time and he can’t crack a smile?
Yes, I have some issues with the underlying reality of this film which is that this guy is ancient.
So here comes the bride and most happily ever afters include a toast with a veiled threat by the dad.
The aftermath of the honeymoon suggests that rough trade doesn’t even begin to cover it. The room is trashed, Bella’s all marked up and 14 days later there’s a little mini-pouter growing in Bellas stomach.
And it’s on.
Apparently the baby is a threat to the vampires and the werewolves.
Rosemary had fewer people sticking their nose in her business.
So the wedding is the first half and the pregnancy/birth is the second half so it’s game on.
With mixed results.
Apparently all the money was spent on the wedding and not enough left for special effects. The wolves are cheesy. Some of the stunts laughable.  I get that it’s not central to the dynamic; it’s not like there’s enough compelling story arcs to offset the lack of technical proficiency.
By the way, can someone explain why after knowing that Bella was marrying Edward and that usually means there will be a little oingo boingo and that sometimes leads to pregnancy and dancing, so why does Jacob get so angry at Bellas impending childbirth?
One of the interesting points of trivia associated with this is that Sofia Coppola was interested in directing this but felt strongly that it was only one film, not the two that Summit wanted.
I think she was right.
Ok, I know she was right.
I own movie theatres. I’m thrilled that we’re rolling this out again. Doesn’t make it right though, or a good movie, just makes me an entreprewhore.
I did all kinds of exit polling and people – and when I say people I mean women of all ages and maybe 7 guys who clearly had no choice – really liked the film. It’s romantic. Sexy. Has a cute vampire baby Maybe.
So who am I to say otherwise?
Oh right, I’m the guy who writes the column.
It’s not for me.
All that pouting and teenage angst makes me weak.
I want to watch Die Hard.
None of these comments matter because everyone’s happy with their purchase. No buyer’s remorse with people watching Breaking Dawn and clearly no shame for me playing it. That’s what we might call a win-win, but it’s not what I’d call a good movie.
As always, other opinions are welcome, but wrong. That’s it for this week. The cheque’s in the mail and I’m outta here. Paul