Why can’t they make a decent movie about a male doll?

Paul Peterson

So, I’m not saying we’re getting diluted product out of Hollywood. Far be it for me to suggest that a sequel to a movie based on a doll would be anything other than a celebration of plot and story.
G I Joe-Retaliation is this week’s box office extravaganza and good golly it’s a waste of film and two hours I’ll be begging for on my death bed.
Originally scheduled to be released last June it was moved to Easter for any number of suggested reasons.
The first was to add 3D effects which in Hollyspeak means we needed to charge extra for you to suffer through this film. The effects with the sideways ninjas are very cool, but do we really need to see 3D cabinet meetings? How about no.
The second reason was because Channing Tatum’s star was on the rise and they wanted to reshoot and retool to beef up his role and cash in on his box office.
Really?
Well, not to spoil the movie for you but he’s in the first 10 minutes and that’s it so I have to assume that originally he was in it for six minutes and this is the expanded version.
The third reason, and one I tend to sign off on, is that it was a mess. A bona fide stickfest and they didn’t know how to fix it.
Let’s see if that theory sticks.

The Joes are back and not only are they fighting their arch enemy COBRA, they’re having some issues with corrupt government officials who are making it hard for this elite fighting team to keep the world safe for democracy.
Now there’s a story line no one ever thought of before.
Enter Duane Johnson “Roadblock”. Cool nickname. He’s the lead Joe and they’re trying to find the original Joe, Bruce Willis.
I think he served under Eisenhower.
But I digress.

There are lots of great gadgets and things getting blown up and if they were really going to honor the original original G I Joe they should have had more outfits for the stars to try on.
OK, for all you dudes who collect fully articulated male action dolls, it’s still a doll and trying on different types of camo outfits is still, well, playing with your doll. Trust me, calling it an action figure doesn’t really make it better.

This film is focused clearly at the testosterone crowd and so I really am not in any position to give it a fair review.
I’m not saying I’m down a pint when it comes to high octane male crazy, but in my advanced condition I have come to appreciate a full sentence and the occasional character development.
Still, lot’s of stuff got blowed up.

I think it might be time for Bruce to consider quirky grandpa roles and to focus on comedy rather than action since the last couple of action pics were comical at best.
G I Joe did 40 million at the box office opening weekend, so of course there will be Joe 3. Maybe they can go try to bust Rambo out of a nursing home, where the agents of Cobra are making him eat a diet that’s too high in fibre.
If you measure a movie by its ‘splosions, and you call them ‘splosions, you’ll really like G I Joe Retaliation. If you think character development is something other than working on your triceps, you might want to give this a pass.
My retaliation will be to read a book.
As always, other opinions are welcome, but wrong. That’s it for this week. The cheque’s in the mail and I’m outta here. Paul