Crawford on the case of Phantom Piddler

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A Sheltered Life – stories as told to Maggie Haylock-Capon, by Liza, resident greeter at the Loyalist Humane Society. (Photographs by Alan R. Capon)

(If you are unable to adopt a cat or kitten, there are many other important ways to help the LHS. Donations of Javex and other household cleaning products, garbage bags, grocery bags, litter, cat food and kitten food are welcome. The Loyalist Humane Society is located on County Road 4, (Talbot Street), near the intersection of Tripp Road.)

Happy New Year to All!
It’s Liza, here, welcoming a brand new year from The Laundry Room. My apologies for being late with this greeting, but the ice storm, followed by a cold snap, then a blizzard has wreaked havoc with my schedule. The storm was so bad that we had to cancel our book club meeting. Franco insisted on going outdoors the next day despite the icy conditions and slid all the way to the Main House before stopping. He provided great entertainment for us, as we watched him pussyfoot back to The Laundry Room.

There have been many new arrivals at our shelter in recent days, including a crate-load of ginger kittens and their mother. Space is at a premium, so Mrs. M. set up a nursery in the kitchen. I was aghast when I saw what she had done. Thank goodness I can still find sanctuary in my little cottage. However, I am greatly displeased by the fact that Saylor has decided to camp on my doorstep in an effort to escape the noise and confusion. He is a great favourite with Mrs. M. and it makes me see red when I hear her telling visitors of what a gentleman he is. She proudly tells them that no matter how thirsty he may be, he always stands aside to let me drink first, when a fresh bowl of water is served. Gentleman, indeed! The first time he trampled me to be first cat at the bar, I cursed him loudly and boxed his ears so hard that they are still ringing. Of course, he stands back now. While he may not be the brightest bulb in the chandelier, he certainly knows who’s boss.

At the last meeting of our book club it was agreed that we are now in the winter doldrums. Torte suggested that we plan a special activity of some sort to brighten the mood of the place. Several ideas were discussed and, finally, it was agreed that we would hold a Sadie Hawkins dance on Valentine’s Day. I have not yet decided whom I will invite but Robson and Crawford are on my short list. Poor Torte plans to ask Moey but I am fairly certain that he will break her heart by turning her down. Any cat that would pee in Mrs. M’s toaster cannot be relied upon for a goodwill gesture.

And while we are on the subject, Mrs.M. recently became aware that someone was tinkling at various locations in The Laundry Room. Unable to pinpoint the culprit, she decided to begin a process of elimination (no pun intended). Robson was high on her list of suspects, so she moved him into another room. It was quickly determined that he was not the Phantom Tinkler. She was about to isolate still another suspect when an important clue pointed her in a new direction. The door to her vehicle, which is always parked outside The Laundry Room, had been left open and much to her chagrin she discovered that one of our residents had left a calling card in it. Since Franco is the only resident allowed to venture outdoors, he is now charged with being the Phantom Tinkler. He has hired Crawford to defend him. Word has it that they will maintain that a) the evidence is circumstantial and b) the true culprit must have been a raccoon.
Our shelter is bursting at the seams with amazing cats who deserve forever homes. Let me introduce you to some of our worthy candidates.

Al
Al and his sister, Marcy, remain at our shelter despite the fact that they are two of the cutest kittens we’ve seen in years. Handsome Al is considering a career as a male model, while Marcy declares that her ambition is to be a homemaker. These two kittens are hoping to be adopted together for they share a close bond.

Clifford Jacob Bedborough
Clifford J. or “Cliff” to his friends was emaciated and covered in sores when he came to our shelter. Today he is barely recognizable as the pathetic stray who was rescued by a student at PECI. Cliff has gained weight and his skin condition is greatly improved. While he has enjoyed his stay with us, he would very much like a home of his own. An older cat, he would be the ideal pet for a senior citizen.

Robson
Falsely suspected of being the Phantom Tinkler, Robson’s name has been cleared and he is eagerly awaiting a home of his own. Young, drop dead gorgeous, and sweet-natured as well, this handsome puss would be a fine addition to anyone’s sofa.

Torte
While she always tries to put her best foot forward it is not always easy for our Torte. A beloved resident of our shelter, she is a cultured cat who was one of the charter members of our book club. Unfortunately, Torte has a weight problem. She has tried numerous diets, without success, and says she has now stopped struggling with weight loss plans that make her miserable. A big cat with a heart to match her size she’s hoping for a forever home in a sardine factory or would work as first mate on as tuna boat.

Slumber Party
Winter afternoons are the purrfect time for long naps and sweet dreams of forever homes.

Lily
Meet Lily, a striking calico cat who is eager to settle down in a home of her own. A mature puss she would welcome employment as a companion puss in a quiet household. Resume provided on request.

Neville Chat
A charming Frenchman, Neville Chat is bilingual. He can meow in either French or English and is now studying Spanish. He says women always fall for his accent. Monsieur Neville is young, handsome, and available. Drop in to say Bonjour.

Pubster
Known as a nightclub hopper, Pubster was collared at Cascades and brought to our shelter as a vagrant cat with no visible means of support. This charming cat-about-town is looking for excitement and hoping for a forever home with a young family who will turn a blind eye if he disappears on a long weekend, now and then.

Wesley
If Wesley seems pensive in his photo it is only because he is wondering why no one has ever chosen him. A portly gentleman of Methodist persuasion he is well-mannered and eager to please. Don’t overlook him if you have a preference for ginger hair.

Grimace
Grimace is a movie-star handsome black cat with one of the sweetest dispositions of any of our shelter residents. He would fit well in any household and would be certain to add to any decor.

Bernice
There are no words to describe Bernice. She arrived at our shelter desperately in need of a makeover but no one is quite sure of where to start. Obviously, her former hair stylist should be shot. That spiral perm was a disaster. Bernice’s glassy-eyed stare indicates that she may have been a substance abuser, before coming to us. She admits that when she sniffed that last lot of catnip she suspected it was bad weed.
Bernice was a stray rescued by a woman who reported that she appeared to have a tattoo in her ear. A medical examination revealed that the “tatt” was just dirt. If you enjoy a challenge this is your chance to play Professor Higgins to your very own Eliza Doolittle. Bernice is young and has a sweet disposition. With a little help she, too, could be transformed into a fair lady.

Franco’s News Flashes
Let me begin by unequivocally stating that I am NOT the Phantom Piddler. I have been under a cloud of suspicion for some time now and it is becoming highly annoying. If you ask me, Robson is not in the clear, just because he was banished to the parlor and has not tinkled in there. It’s probably just a clever trick to throw Mrs. M. off the scent. And what a scent!

It is my firm belief that Liza, Torte, and a few of those old biddies from the book club are setting me up. One of them is deliberately tinkling in the kitchen and trying to have me blamed for it. That Liza would be perfectly capable of paying a raccoon to tinkle in Mrs. M’s vehicle. She is not as innocent as she looks.

Now, on to other matters. Our sponsorship program is a huge success. More than 50 of our residents now have sponsors and a new sense of belonging. Our newest sponsors include Beyonce, Penny, Swampy, Sally, Leftie,Tess, Bess and Lily. There have been some adoptions as well.

Off to new forever homes are Jude, Tennis, Steak, Kay, Apple, Cider, Dar, Toy and Billy Bob. We wish all of them well.

If you would like to sponsor one of our residents, there are still many wonderful cats who would appreciate your support. If you want to adopt, you will never find a better selection of candidates than the amazing parade of pusses that we have this winter. Come out and see for yourself.

-Franco

From the Desk of Liza
I certainly wish that someone would adopt that loudmouth Franco. Of course, given all of his revolting habits there is no chance of that. His behaviour is disgraceful and I am absolutely certain that no one will invite him to the Sadie Hawkins dance. What cat could be that desperate for a date? Well, Bernice, maybe.

And speaking of the dance, we have already chosen a decorating committee which will be headed by our own Torte, who always does things in a big way. Crawford has taken charge of ticket sales and Moseby is looking after refreshments. We are hoping to book either Cat and the Fiddle or Back Fence Music Boys to play for our dance.

-Until next week,
Liza

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