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Plenty of Fish Dot Calm

Do you date for sport?

You make different decisions at 20 than you do at  50 –The loneliness  opens up this craving and cravings aren’t good…. and I prayed for it to stop but God is frigging slow and cravings aren’t.  I went on a blind date sort of like bungee jumping off the CN tower. Some people like the feeling that they are plunging to their deaths, but I don’t.  In fact, I don’t do yoga because of the alternate nostril breathing. What if one nostril plugged up?  So what possessed me to go out with someone I had never met? Well, I’ll tell you: desperation. Bone chilling, post-divorce desperation.

Outside the café I checked my lipstick. There in the window was my mother’s face staring back at me. When did I start becoming host to her face? I was even holding my purse like her; up around my bra line. Then I looked at my backside and thought,  ‘I hope he doesn’t think I’m fat, because this is me, thin.’  I hadn’t even met the guy and already I felt inadequate. Do men do this?  I’ve never seen a self-help section for men in the bookstore. There’s no book called “Men Who Love Too Much.” I made my entrance and we both looked at each other like two deer caught in the headlights. I could tell that he hated my handbag.  Well, I hated his bicycle shorts. Just by the look of him I could tell he was someone who thought it would be fun to zip-line above a volcano. He ordered me a coffee, It wound me up. I babbled on about the weather, how it rained and then it snowed and I didn’t know if I should wear a rain hat, or a toque. I was like the cat putting its paws up and down, and at some point during my scintillating speech about Hurricane Katrina he said he had to go before it started to rain. You know what I am saying?

I made my mistakes. I got a collection of men.

To remind myself when I’ve been drinking Maeve. THIS ONE YES… sweater vest man he had a whole collection of pastel vests with white shoes and pants pulled up high. Not that I judged him for his outfit.  With most men you rebuild them from the ground up. But this one was a cop. Can you imagine the likes of me with a cop? We went out and he gets out of the car and does this. (Sweater Vest man looks around) And I ask him what he’s doing. Securing the Area. We’re going to the tea room in Yarker, the marauding gangs in Yarker. Boring. My dear lord, I used to sit there and think to myself, you are boring the shite out of me.  I thought maybe I was being judgmental but no he was boring the shite out of me. I thought he was relaxing but it was more like narcolepsy. The kind of date you think you shouldn’t drive home after.

Some dates are like a bad movie you have to watch it to see how it ends.
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Filed Under: Deborah Kimmett

About the Author: Deborah Kimmett is not just a funny face. She knows a thing or two about life. Whether on the stage, or in the conference room, this witty and wise woman knows laughing matters. With her hilarious stories and interactive exercises she ignites, inspires and offers strategies for success. Side Effects: You might get your sense of humor back. Visit her at www.kimmett.ca or on youtube at www.youtube.com/user/DebKimmett

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  1. Donald says:

    You certainly are one funny lady — and a brilliant writer. Keep up the good work!

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