All County, All the Time Since 2010 MAKE THIS YOUR PRINCE EDWARD COUNTY HOME...PAGE!  Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

Criminal Minds meets Government


Steve Campbell

Steve Campbell

In a surprising move, after the appearance of last week’s column, I got a phone call from the Government of Ontario, asking me to do a psychoanalytical assessment of the province’s actions so far.
I’m actually the perfect choice for the job, as I have some personal experience with mental instability, plus I just finished watching a 7-day marathon of Criminal Minds which ran between Christmas and New Year. Their Behavioral Analysis Unit studies exactly the same kind of abuse inflicted by their ‘perps’ as the province has perpetrated upon us. They call them ‘unsubs’ – unknown subjects – whereas we already know who is victimizing us, which should make it easier to build a profile.
Also, most of the psychopaths already employed by the government are unionized, so I’m way cheaper.

I thought I would share my Profile Report with you, which actually applies to virtually every Ontario government dating back to the days when Bill Davis was being potty-trained.
1. Leadership. Most Ontarians will agree that our politicians have lost the ability to lead. The trouble is, our leaders are now trained in the School of Politics. They are preened for the job from an early age, assuming they have enough money/social standing/blackmail photos to be of interest to The Party. And at least one law degree doesn’t hurt.
Still, the leader-in-training must have one of two things: 1. Opinions that offend no-one, regardless of age, race or sexual orientation, or 2. The ability to openly lie with a straight face in front of a dozen television cameras. As examples, I choose 1. Tim Hudak, 2. Dalton McGuinty.
It might be refreshing to field a leader who genuinely has a vision for the future growth and prosperity of the province, rather than leaders who have an unbearable itch to ‘govern’ with lots more legislation and ever-growing bureaucracy, funded by an endless pot of taxpayer money.
Seriously, the government BS is so thick out there – from Rev Can down to obtaining a passport, and clearing airport customs with a disposable razor and a bottle of water – it’s a wonder anything gets done in Canada. This may be why we export all the important jobs to China and India.

2. Lack of moral fibre. The examples tell the story: Mike Duffy, Rob Ford. I think Mike heaved a sigh of relief when Rob removed him from the front pages of the newspapers.
Ford has rewritten the book on what politicians can get away with. I was considering entering politics but, unfortunately, can’t afford to develop a crack habit until I become a politician, in which case I can write it off on my expense forms. (Note to self: Do not use Smoking Crack with your Peeps as a ‘Photo Op’.)
I thought I would start off slow by sexually harassing my co-workers but, sadly, I respect them too much. Also their husbands are both bigger and tougher than me, and would probably opt for beating the crap out of me, to avoid the extra cost of a lawyer.

3. Bad Slogans. The brilliant Tory Advertising Thinktank came up with “Time for a Change.” This translates as “Let someone else screw you around for awhile because, really, we have nothing else to do right now, and don’t want to pay attention until we have Power.”
Perhaps “Conservatives: Now Whiter Than Ever” would have been better. Or “Tim Hudak: So Glowingly Shiny Clean He Is Almost Invisible.”
As high-school-election lame as the Tory slogan is, it beats last election’s NDP candidate, who promised to eliminate nuclear power in four years. I turned to my friend and asked, “What planet is she from?” considering the bulk of our power still comes from reactors. Instead of gaining her the seat, it sent a few dozen County folk out to buy extra tins of food and some gas-powered generators, to prepare for the blackouts.
The Liberals haven’t exposed their slogan yet. Their old one will probably hold: “The Toronto vote will bring us back … sucks to be you!” I suggest: “Not Yet Time for a Change … We still have $1 Billion Left on our Line of Credit Account!”

4. Inability to Budget. Someone, somewhere is eyeballing the government’s Visa Card. Ordinary people like us know that, if you keep an eye on your finances and pay on time, Visa will up your limit to the point where you would have to sell your children into slavery if you maxed out your card.
The Province’s Visa statement states: “Min. Payment Due by Feb. 15 – $2 billion, or interest will be applied. Available Funds: Knock Yourself Out.”
I’m sure when Dalton first opened the book on the Provincial Coffers, he said: “Really?! This is all mine to spend?! Gee Willikers, thanks Ontario!”
Once you get used to signing billion dollar deals on an airplane-ride home from Korea, it isn’t long before you find yourself disappointed that the local No-Frills does not have a heli-pad, because you’re almost out of milk.

Power corrupts, and Money corrupts absolutely. But every Premier is instructed – in the Big-Print EZ-2-Read Premier Primer – to leave an Enormous Debt behind, so that the New Premier can express Sincere Surprise at said Enormous Debt, and blame the Previous Government for the next four years.
The Primer also notes: “Every hair-brained scheme you can dream up is a Bonafide Gem, because you are The Premier, so you are always right.”
This has worked for world leaders all through history, though many of them met horrible deaths at the hands of their own people. Here in Canada, we are more civilized, so we appoint our vile, defrocked, despotic leaders to positions on Boards of Directors at large corporations, which we consider to be a fate worse than death.
We also give them huge pensions, to thank them for persecuting us, and to give them enough money to buy caseloads of Bobble-Head Dolls in their own image, which will nod in agreement to everything they say.

5. Who put the ‘demi’ in Demagogue. Sure, I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s my advice. Slow it down by half. Ontario knows how to run itself. The government doesn’t need to spend billions to help us, and control us, and keep us safe. We know how to do that. Every responsible person does.
As Le Corbucier said in the 1920s, at the dawn of the Bauhaus Movement: “Less is More.”
Less government = less bureaucracy = less taxes = less money spent = more money left in the hands of the people = more money into the struggling retail and manufacturing economy of the province = more prosperity for all of us.
The government can take care of its own business. Shuffle your papers ‘til the cows come home. We’ll do the rest.
For years, governments have said: “Trust Us.” It’s time we said, “No, Trust Us!”

Filed Under: News from Everywhere ElseSteve Campbell

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  1. ChrisW says:

    Good rant.

    BTW, I think it’s “harebrained”.


  2. judy kennedy says:

    More cuts are not the answer. We have already lost quality of life in this country. We have become less Canadian and more American. A sad state of affairs.

  3. Tony Wrighr says:

    Steve: You almost got it right. Hogs & hggwash. Getting re-elected is much more important than good government.

  4. Olmanonthemtn says:

    Paul Crookall editor emeritus of the publication Canadian Government Executive in his 2012 article “A more elegant public service” discusses improving public services while reducing costs. He notes that the: “Key to success seems to be: an attitude of improving service while reducing costs; intensive customer relation management; meaningful measurement of agreed upon targets; new tools including project management…” He also stressed the importance of client (that’s us folks) participation in governance.

    He reports that Researchers at Harvard agreed. “As public service leaders look for methods to increase their capacity to deliver, they find that traditional answers are not feasible – cutting programs, raising taxes, borrowing … the fixes of the past decade, have reached their limits.”

    He concludes that:“Cutting isn’t the answer. Getting better while reducing costs, becoming more productive, restoring respect for and pride in public service is needed. Innovation and inspiration. Let’s use them to build a more elegant public service.”

    Hmm lets see one definition of elegant is:

    a scientific theory or solution to a problem pleasingly ingenious and simple.
    synonyms:neat, simple, effective; More ingenious, clever, deft, intelligent, inventive
    “an elegant solution”
    antonyms:messy, unwieldy

    sounds like less is more to me

  5. judy kennedy says:

    Good grief. I hope this is all a joke. btw it’s Le Corbusier–and who cares what he said, anyway? He was an architect, not an authority on government.

  6. Mark #1 says:

    Good grief. The Tea Party cometh, Mr. Beck!

  7. Kelly Pike says:

    Mr. Campbell, This commentary is so great! As you know, we in the U.S. have the same kinds of problems.

    I would like your permission to adapt the article to the U.S. government and get it published here, if possible, since most of our media seems to be under the government’s thumb. Of course, I would credit you and County Life.


    Kelly Pike

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